Bill's Page

2002-06-20T02:50:00.000-07:00

It's been awhile since I have written, obviously...I kind of have forgotten about writing in here. I was pulled over tonight...TWICE. The second time the cop told me how his son just graduated from basic. He let me go when I told him I was pulled over just a little earlier. Damn I would like a beer right now. This is all I am gonna write for now, I don't feel like writing to much right now...

2002-03-04T12:15:00.000-08:00

I went to a baseball game at TEP yesterday. It's my pleasure. I absolutely love going there to watch a game. It doesn't matter who is playing. There is just something about an outdoor game. I bought two tickets for next weeks game. I don't even know who is playing. I tried to get my favorite seats but, had to settle for close enough. Before the game Saturday I am helping out with the special olympics. I think that will be interesting.

2002-02-24T13:27:00.000-08:00

Picture this: Ryan wearing a tuxedo top, blue jeans, Cubs ball cap; Sarah D in a fancy sexy black dress with band-aid bra; Me in a sexy pin stiped DK suit; Walking down Alvernon with a Fry's grocery cart filled with 35 lbs of ice. No wonder I often hear other people say "white people."
Went to another Wedding yesterday. I think it went very well. Wills sister did a good job of setting the place up. It was a nice little location also. Sam wound up getting pretty drunk which caused some problems later in the evening. Ya know I don't really feel like writing right now so Ima go.

2002-02-21T10:51:00.000-08:00

Cuddles the seeing eye horse. Just know that somewhere, out there, there is a miniature seeing eye horse named cuddles that wears sneakers and is potty trained. I wish I were joking. What is this world coming to?

2002-02-20T11:04:00.000-08:00

I don't know why this bugs me so much. The girl won't even give me the time of day. I guess the hardest part of coming to grips is realizing that the girl I fell in love with in Vegas stayed in Vegas. Sam told me that one day she would miss me and regret losing me...I think that is something you tell to someone to make them feel better.
Enough of that poop. We are going to see Jimmy Eat World tonight! It is going to be so much fun. 311 is coming to town soon! I can't wait for tonight!!

2002-02-18T19:29:00.000-08:00

I jumped in the river and what did I see?
Black-eyed angels swimming with me

Went to Ryans' Aunts' wedding Saturday night. Despite not knowing a soul there I managed to have fun. Honestly the wedding was gorgeous. And kinda big. Ryans' grandma paid for the whole thing I guess, musta cost a fortune. Oh and one-up this...How many times has Ryans' grandma pinched your ass? I met some interseting people. Particularly Ryans' step-mom. Ryan hasn't spoken to highly of her and I know first hand how step-moms can be. So all night long I had been plotting to jump his step-mom. Then I saw her cannons and decided I didn't want to get my ass kicked infront of some potential lays. So I told Ryan I am going with mace and that's it. I wound up talking to her at the bar for a chunk of the evening. She was interesting. I mean other than the fact that she resembles Ripley from Aliens. We shared a lot of the same views and beliefs. So it made for a good conversation. We talked about everything from bums to bud... Then there was this stiff there. This dick head. I met him the night prior to the wedding at Tens (strip joint). The grooms' men were all real quiet and just sitting there, staring at the whores. While the girls would dance for them I would watch them and not the whores. It was hilarious. Their reactions were very easy to understand- "Boobies, boobies, ooohhh boobies!" I guess the stiff makes around 250 g's a year. That explains the amount of dances he bought. He probably new what most of those girls high-schools were by the time they left because they chatted so much. I guess when you are a money grubbing whore it makes it easier to sit in some ugly guys lap and pretend to be interested. Ryan and I stayed back-There are a couple of them whores that want me- so naturaly I had to stay. This one brunette, I don't remember her name, asked if I wanted a dance. I declined because I didn't want to catch anything. She was and ideal looking women. To me at least. Not plastic at all. Beautiful long brown hair. And a face to dream about. I felt compelled to tell her how gorgeous she was.
"Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, and have not charity, I am become as sounding brass, or a tinkling cymbal.
And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries, and all knowledge; so that I could remove mountains, and have not charity, I am nothing..." I don't agree with that quote from the bible. You don't have to be charitable to be anything.

A moon full of stars and astral cars
All the figures i used to see

Talked to Sylvia today. I wonder what is going on in her head. I wish I could see. I wish she would open to me like she did once before. I understand what she is going through-I just don't know what it is like. We are perfect for each other. Just not right now. She has to go through this. (Even though I am here for her but she choses to act towards me as if I were no one to her-she will do this on her own.) I mean no one can lift the responsibility from her. Everyone keeps telling me there is someone out there that much better...They have a lot to hurdle. I don't know why I feel like I am in a rush to find someone. I wish I stumbled along Sylvia when she was ready for me...Not temporarily...But ready for ME. Despite being pissed that she hasn't spoken to any of the people that care about her since she got back (whatever...) I was happy to hear from her today. I think we talked for a couple of hours. (That's not that unusual for her and I, we can talk for hours....) I got pissed when she told me that until Jeff gave her dirty looks she waited to show him "fuck off." I figured that it didn't matter what happened between Jeff and I. I expected her to take my side without question. I understand why itwould have been difficult if this were an argunment between Sam and I but, not betweem someone she all ready knew was fucked up. Sam used to joke that I wasn't allowed to talk to Jeff becasuse he hated Sam. Although Sam wasn't joking, I kept from Jeff. Sam was my closer, better friend. It pissed me off when Sylvia said "I was like fuck you when Jeff gave me dirty looks." I said to her "It took Jeff giving you dirty looks to stop talking to him?" I know her and I hand a VERY unique and unusual begining but, if you started out the way I did (believing in her), wouldn't you expect her to take your side without question? Is that why you keep telling me there is someone else better out there? Someone who has my back without question? One day, one day...

All my lovers were there with me
All my past and futures

And we all went to heaven in a little row boat
There was nothing to fear and nothing to doubt

2002-01-29T19:06:00.000-08:00

So tonight Justin tells me that my dad knows of this page. I will no longer write in here if he is reading this. If I want him to know any of it I will tell him. It's funny I haven't told him about this site. Justin says he didn't either. So Dad were you surfing sites that J has visited? and WHY? Do me a favor and don't read anymore.

2002-01-28T22:16:00.000-08:00

Transmissions from the Satellite Heart...

I know a girl who thinks of ghosts
she'll make ya breakfast
she'll make ya toast
she don't use butter
she don't use cheese
she don't use jelly
or any of these
she uses vaseline

i know a guy who goes to shows
when he's at home and he blows his nose
he don't use tissues or his sleeve
he don't use napkins or any of these
he uses magazines

i know a girl who reminds me of cher
she's always changing
the color of her hair
she don't use nothing
that ya buy at the store
she likes her hair to be real orange
she uses tangerines

Hey Jude. What's up? I really don't have anything that I want to put here for you all to see. I know Sam and Ryan still think I don't write in here. And for the most part I don't. I still prefer to write in a journal as opposed to this blogspot. If you guys wanna know what's going on in my head ask me. Or do a lot of acid.
That little bitch Chasey got out again. If I go to bed before she comes back she's fucked tonight. I am not supposed to drink with the cyclobenzaprine the doctor gave me today for my fucked up back. I'll be right back, I have to get another beer...
I wonder how long it will be before Sam or Ryan realize that I have been trying to write in this thing. I'm not gonna tell them anyway. Today at work I was pretty fucked up. I am supposed to take one of these pills at bedtime. Righhhttt. On an empty stomach today at work I ate three. Beshaw was sitting at my computer while I tried to sleep. He asked me a question about debriefing. I responded with "I think my sleeper shirt is in at the hospital." He started laughing at me and said how fucked up I was. Letmetellya... I was feelin' the effectstasies. As soon as I got home I undressed and crashed for about three hours.
I have been driving uninsured for the last month. I found that out this evening when I called them (progressive) to ask where my bill was. Not like I didn't mind not getting the bill, but I knew something had to be up. They told me that when I renewed my policy with them there was a past due amount from my previous policy. So the money I gave them for my new policy they applied to the old policy without even telling me about the past due amount. I am insured now. Still though that half an hour fone call pissed me off. I love spelling phoan different.
I used to have an annual pass to Busch Gardens. One day Tom and I were skipping school and went to go hang out at Bush Gardens. We rode Montu a dozen times before I realized my pager had fallen out of my board shorts. I went to the lost and found to file a missing item report. When I handed it back to the girl and she read it she asked me if I was joking. I told her No I wasn't...they can keep the weed I just want the pager. I had a healthy dub sack tucked in the clip.
Get this shit. I don't know why but this just came to mind. EVERY girl I have been with was tied in one way or another to a guy. Whether it be a boyfriend or married. Sometimes I knew, sometimes I found out after the fact. In any case what does that say? If I need to remind you...Fuck YOU for judging me.
Sylvia came back today. I could tell she was glad to be...to...ahh. I have no idea. I feel like I don't know her anymore. Or even she doesn't need me anymore. (Of course I NEVER want to be needed, we had a funny begining)...it has nothin to do with her being gone for a few months. She just has nothing to say to me. Oh well I guess this is for the better anyhow. I miss that girl. It's funny Docs girl who until rrecently I have had a mild despise for said to me there's someone that much better out there..waiting for me. You know how many times I have heard that. But it wasn't until she said it that I was able to see it and not be afraid. I don't know why I just felt better after she said it. I miss Sylia in any case...who knows...maybe oneday...but I am not holding my breathe...well, not forever....
So I passed my first sobriety test this weekend. That is some scary shit, The little pen in front of your face thing is a hell of a lot harder than it looks...sober, drunk I don't give a fuck...that shit was tough. (that should so be spelled tuff). Sam kept telling people that I wasn't drunk. I guess the shot of Tequelia, two shots of Captain's and the four beers didn't knock me down. But I was definately feelin' it.
I am worried about Chasey. She has been gone for a few hours and no sign of her. That little slut.
I have to tell sam and Ryan about my new favorite band...The velvet underground...They are awesome.
Good night my people...I am gonna go brush my teef and give Sarah D a call... peace muchachos...

2002-01-27T21:20:00.000-08:00

Whatever I decide to do in the next couple of months I want you guys to know how much you have meant to me. There are somethings about the past couple of years that I could not forget. Some of I wish I could, but for the most part-all I can say is I am so happy I got to meet you guys. My life has been that much fuller with you in it. And to my close friends...I can't wait to find out what happens next.

2002-01-23T11:34:00.000-08:00

We all express ourselves one way or another. Some write, some paint, some play an instrument so well you can't figure out where the instrument begins and they end.
Some of us haen't trained our focus yet. So we just tell stories. Recapped and remembered descriptions of what happened. Nevermind none of ever see it in the same light. We relive the moments that shaped us in our stories. Like the time on Mt Lemmon she told me about a friend she told would die in this car of his because he always drove so fast. And then he wrecked and killed himself. Or the time he overheard me in Germany reciting the reasons he is beautiful and doesn't deserve his sorrow. Or how when you told me you felt I left you and you were suicidal when I left Florida. That you felt alone. Or when Stoner Nick and I sat on my porch until three in the morning talking. We had spoken less than a hundred words before that in the fifteen years we knew about each other. Or the e-mail you sent to my phoan the other day. It said "We live in a beautiful world." You all have told me some fucked up stories about your lives. Some of these stories will never be relived again. Not forgotten-put aside. You won't need them anymore. They are there for you to recall, but you won't need to. Some of you tell the same stories over and over. Unable to move on, move ahead. Not really sure how to.
You don't have to worry is a waste of time is on ourside...

2002-01-22T17:33:00.000-08:00

Hello my people. I don't write in this much, you know why... Well here I go, read and learn...

Something has to change. Un-deniable dilemma. Boredom's not a burden anyone should bear. Constant over stimu-lation numbs me and I couldn't have it any other way. It's not enough. I need more. Nothing seems to satisfy. I don't want it. I just need it. To feel, to breathe, to know I'm alive.
I don't know I don't know if I wanna re-enlist. I can get out! I can go home. I can be by J. My Dad. Home. Skot. Is it worth money, four more years of mediocracy? I have not been satisfied-just content. I know there is more than contention. I have experienced it in small doses. I just can't figure out which way I will get it faster. And what about you? You won't let me take you with me, will you?
I can help you change tired moments into pleasure. Say the word and we'll be well upon our way.
You know what's cool as shit? The Basilisk lizzard a.k.a the Je$u$ Chri$t lizzard.
I just hung up with J. I have heard many times I am lucky to have a family the way I do. To a point I agree. It's not like it just happened this way. If I was who I am would my family be who they are?...Who knows...But I do agree. People are so fucked up. And why? So selfish. I can feel the people that I work with. They are either becoming smart or picking up on me. I think they are realizing that my shit talking isn't friendly. I mean what I say. Some of you appreciate it..Some of you...fuck off. Selfishness isn't always a bad thing-sometimes, most times necessary. But If you have to stab me to get what I have...how fucked up are you? And if you can't appreciate what I have to offer...than you're not worth my time anyway...
Maybe I'll write more later....

2002-01-12T01:30:00.000-08:00

It was worth it. Round two.

2002-01-07T08:46:00.000-08:00

Some words when spoken can't be taken back.

2002-01-05T00:18:00.000-08:00

bill is good, bill is great, I think we should all find something to appreciate!

2002-01-04T22:51:00.001-08:00

work, goddammit

2002-01-04T22:51:00.000-08:00